Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I hope this email finds you in a well
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.