Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.