I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
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Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.