One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
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A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Tastes like chicken.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying