Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
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My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
No. YOU-buprofen.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor