Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
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ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Still cracks me up
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow