I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
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Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.