Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
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Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
it must be school picture day
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.