BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
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Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.