Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
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A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Ah..makes sense now
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly