Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
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Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.