Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
No way!
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
WWE is French for “yes”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Aaaa…CHOO!
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?