[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
three things we don’t talk about
Optional boss fight.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.