If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
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I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.