I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
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I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
i now pronounce you bounced.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s