No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
You Might Also Like
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.