I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
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Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I was bored.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’