Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
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(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…