My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
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“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle