Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
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Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I think my mom just blocked me
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.