Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
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Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…