Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
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I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
This was the best day of my life
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Classic German Shepherd 😂
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite