everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
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The government even made aliens boring
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.