Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
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I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
LOL!
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.