Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
what’s more important?
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.