My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
You Might Also Like
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’