Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
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Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.