What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
This is why I hate group projects
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.