I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
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*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.