“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
You Might Also Like
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Just parrot things
selfie game
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side