I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
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That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Running from your problems is cardio .
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room