Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
How dude HOW?!
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation