You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
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If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.