I am crying
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”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?