Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
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HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
The honesty is refreshing
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?