yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
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Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Just me and my debit card against the world
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
You are what you delete.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic