Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
You Might Also Like
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
omg leave her alone
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.