Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
You Might Also Like
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
the three branches of government
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad