“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
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I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Damn he played himself
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.