I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
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Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad