Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
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My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder