Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
You Might Also Like
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”