Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
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Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.