I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
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What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
i hope my email finds you on fire
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks