Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
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7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please