[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
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Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Merry Christmas
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️