You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
This pepper has seen some shit
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*