Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
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Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I like long walks away from everyone
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?