JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
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why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
B