”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
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Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours